


Trans Horny Boys

by petalSpitter



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Extended discussions about food, Gen, Rated T for language, Sweet Sweet Fluff, Tres Horny Boys more Like Trans Horny Boys, also there's fluff, hell maybe this will be a decent guide to trans diets, literally every character with a speaking role is trans, pls dont burn me at the stake, this fic took more research than most of my school essays, trans headcanons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 00:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9692243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petalSpitter/pseuds/petalSpitter
Summary: Angus has a very important question to ask the Tres Horny Boys.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Take this before I regret this. Kudos to Schgain for betaing this!!!

Angus wrings his hat in his hands as he stands in front of the Tres Horny Boys’ suite. It’s now the fifth day in a row he’d found himself standing here attempting to working up the courage to knock. Maybe he could just leave and try again tomorrow. They're probably all busy today anyway. Angus sighs in resignation and turns to leave, freezing in his tracks when Magnus, Taako, and Merle all stride out of the elevator, taking various digs at each other over a training session gone to shit. Magnus sees him first, throwing an arm out to prevent Taako from running over the child. “Heeeeeeeey there, Ango. What- uh... what’re you doing here?”

  
Oh no... Looks like there’s no more delaying it. Angus takes a breath and smooths out his hat, replacing it on his head (making a mental note to get a haircut soon). “I... wanted to ask you three something.”

  
“Well?” Taako pipes up. “Spit it out, sugar.”

  
“Weeeeell- Erm. I wanted to know...” The boy squirms in place, each of the three adults staring holes into him. “I wanted to know... Well...”

  
“Oh, fer Pan’s sake, just spit it out already, kiddo.” Merle parrots Taako.

Angus pales and clenches his fists, rehearsing the sentence in his head a couple times before blurting out, “How do you three look so manly even after puberty?”

  
Instantly a hush falls over the trio. In perfect synchronization they all look from the to the beefy beeftower that was Magnus, to the hairy and lumpy dwarf that was Merle, to Taako.

"I... Well, the secret’s going to the gym every morning and eating right.” Magnus says, rubbing the back of his neck.

  
“Well, I’m a dwarf, I got mistaken for a man pre-transition.” Merle says.

  
“I’m an elf, I still get mistaken for a chick.” Taako adds.

  
“Why’re you asking us now, Ango?”Magnus asks.

  
“Well-” The boy starts, only to be cut off.

"For the love of Istus, I’m burning my last spell slot on the next person to say ‘well’.” Taako groans.

  
“O...kay?” Angus takes a tentative step away from the wizard. “I’m still a very young boy, but I’m not going to be young forever, and the less young- I mean, the older you get the more you change and- this morning I noticed some of these changes start-"

  
“Did you get your first period?” Taako asks, leaning closer and concern lacing his voice.

  
“No!” Angus flushes beet red. “No! I’m only ten! Th-the medical section of the Bureau library said I might not have one until-”

  
“Just makin’ sure, pumpkin.” Taako’s hand flutters in what Angus suspects is relief. “You wanna stand in the hall all day or head inside? I’ve got a sandwich in the fridge that’s calling my name.”

  
“Um, yeah. Going inside would be nice.” Agnus says.

  
“What the hell are we waiting for, then?” He makes for the door.  
With that, the quartet filters into the Tres Horny Boy’s suite one by one. Taako makes a beeline for the fridge, pulling out his sandwich and making the most overtly sexual noises he could as he chews.

  
“Knock that shit off, Taako! There’s a kid in the room!” Magnus yells, then turns to said kid.

  
“Sorry about that. Do you want a drink? We’ve got tea and some Sunny-”

  
“The Sunny and the skeletal D is mine!” Taako yells back from the kitchen.

  
“What’d I say about knocking that shit off?!” Magnus huffs, then turns back to Angus. “We’ve got water and tea, what’s your poison?”

  
“Just water, Please.” The boy says, and Magnus heads to the kitchen to get him a glass.

  
While Angus was busy sipping his drink, the three men huddle in the kitchen, arguing amongst themselves in hushed tones. 

"What do we tell him?” Magus asks.

  
“I dunno! What the hell did you do to transition?” Taako says around a bite of sandwich.

  
“I transitioned when I was balls deep in puberty! I don’t know how it all works if you’ve transitioned before puberty!”

  
“I got mistaken for a man when I was seven years old and in a dress, I’m out of here.” Merle turns and leaves, heading to his room to take a nap.

  
“Wait, Merle-! Fuck...” Magnus groans as Taako watches placidly, munching on his sandwich.

  
“What did you do to transition?”

  
“I... fuck, it was 15 years ago, the details are all hazy. I dunno? I just started a new diet and started working out?”

  
“Perfect, just tell Ango that.” Taako grabs the other half of his sandwich and heads for the door.

  
“Not you too!”

  
“Later, broski!” Taako waves goodbye to Magnus with a flourish and slams the door behind him.

  
“Goddammit- you two suck.” Magnus sighs, rubbing his temples before heading back to the den. When he reaches the couch, he sits across from Angus. “So, what do you want to know?” He leans forward, hands on his knees.

  
“Um...” Angus set his drink down on the coffee table (on a coaster like a good little boy) “A lot of things, honestly. I’ve read nearly every book the Bureau has concerning puberty and growing up , but there’s almost nothing on transitioning. So I’ve just had to apply everything about male health to myself, but I’m scared that it won’t stick. I mean, I don’t have the body the text assumes I do and I’m afraid that nothing’s going to work and even if I do transition nothing’s going to stick and it’ll all be for nothing and- in all honesty, puberty is just really scary. My joints keep on aching from growing pains and my chest isn’t as flat as it used to be and there’s hair where there wasn’t before and I’m not sure if I can or should shave it off. A-and hardly anyone but you three and Lucretia know I’m transitioning so I’m scared I can’t ask anyone for help when or even if I get my first period and I’m not sure if anyone will accept me if I tell them and-”

  
“Stop right there, Angus.” Magnus held both hands out, stopping the child’s ramble. “Istus knitting on a bike, if you spoke any faster you’d go supernova."

  
“Sorry.” The boy squeaks, curling in on himself.

  
Magnus sighs, mulling over what Angus said. Shit, first thing’s first, they have to get him a binder. Or was binding too early bad for you? Magnus didn’t know. Hell, when he first started binding he’d been trying to flatten double D’s with old bandages (and was still paying for it). The kid sounds like he had the basics down, start eating healthy, shower daily, scrub your face to fight off the horrors of ance soon to take place on your face. Magnus sighs. “There’s not much we can do right now. But there’s one thing I know like the back of my hand: diet.”

  
“Diet?”

  
“You know about hormones, right? Estrogen and testosterone?”

  
“Oh, yeah! I wrote an essay on both of them in third grade!”

  
Magnus chuckles. “Of course you did. Come on, follow me to the kitchen.” He gets up and Angus goes wide eyed.

  
“What? Why?”

  
“To make a manly man’s lunch, duh. I figure if you eat the right stuff now you’ll be more mannish later.” That gets Angus off the couch with ease.

  
“Now-” Magnus gets out a pan, some spinach and broccoli, and some eggs. “You look like you eat healthy, whole grains, produce, lean meats, all that razz.”

  
“I do, actually!”

  
“Good. because now you’re going to do that but ten times worse from now on. How much sugar do you eat in a week?”

  
“About... three or four servings?” Angus watches as Magnus begins to chop up the spinach.

  
“What?! Angus...” Magnus dramatically kneels in front of the child, grabbing his shoulders and staring at him with wide eyes. “Ango... Ango, ango ango...” He clicks his tongue, staring at the floor and shaking his head. “I have... The worst news of all. The worst news you’ll ever ever ever hear...” He slowly leans in close, letting the silence stretch on to enhance the drama. Angus fell for it hook, line, and sinker, on the edge of his metaphorical seat.

  
“Wh-what is it, sir? What’s the worst news?! How bad is it?!”

  
Magnus leans in even closer, and when he finally speaks it’s barely above a whisper. “No sugar.”

  
“What?! That- that sucks! I barely eat sugar now you’re telling me to cut it out completely?!”

  
“Gotta enjoy it sparingly, sorry.” Magnus shrugs. “Especially when you’re older and you pack on another pound if you so much as think about a calorie.” He reaches for a crown of broccoli, setting it on the cutting board before Agnus reminds him to wash it first. “And another to avoid sugar: estrogen. Basically, estrogen is your sworn dietary enemy, and you’ve got to learn every food that’s rich in it and cut it out cold turkey-”

  
“It’s bad for children my age to cut anything cold turkey.”

  
“Then quit it... gradual turkey. Anything soy, any type of seed, most legumes, especially flax, so don’t drink any protein powder with flax in it. Oh and dried fruit, but who the fuck eats that?”

  
“Lucretia likes to give me dried peaches as a snack.” Angus points out.

  
“Sorry, kiddo, go right up to her and tell her you can’t eat ‘em ever again. Never ever ever ever ever ever.”

  
“That sounds a bit excessive, sir.”

  
“Okay, maybe not never ever ever, but only once in awhile. A long while.” Magnus slides past Agnus and pulls out a tin of butter, greasing up a washcloth and seasoning the cast iron. “Ask her for almonds or something. You gotta eat plenty of nuts from now on.” He winks as Angus turns beet red again.

  
“What you want to eat is a hell of a lot of protein: shellfish, darky leafy greens, beans and the like. Usually you’re working out to put all the protein to use building muscle but you look like you’ve never even seen a gym in your life, so you gotta start that. But start out small, kiddo, work your way up and don’t break anything.” Magnus begins cracking the eggs into a bowl and whisking them, adding in the chopped spinach and broccoli. “And vitamin D; get lots of that to help fortify all the T you’re gorging yourself on. Make sure whatever you’re using to get vitamin D has no or low fat, though. Fat’s also your mortal dietary enemy now. It hides all the muscle you’re building up and it’s a pain in the ass to work off.”

  
“Lucretia says that everytime we eat lunch together.”

  
Magnus gets a good chuckle out of that, pouring half of the egg mixture into the pan. “And don’t be like Taako and eat pure garbage all day then try to make up for it with a healthy snack. One good meal isn’t going to counterbalance three bad ones. What I like to say is it takes five good meals to balance out one bad one, got it?” He looks down at Angus, who nods fervently.

  
“Another thing to remember is to cut down on grains: they’re loaded with carbs and starch so get down to say... two slices of bread or a plate of pasta a day. And while we’re on the subject of carbs avoid potatoes, too much starch. But pretty much any other vegetable is free game.”

  
“Like spinach?” Angus points at the omelette Magnus is cooking.

  
“Especially spinach. Spinach, cabbage, asparagus, all those suckers are your new best friends. I don’t think I’ve sat down to a single dinner in the past two months without a side of asparagus on it. Good thing I like ‘em roasted in olive oil or I’d be in hell.” Magnus fires up a second pan and quickly butters a slice of toast, slapping it down on the cast iron. “And there’s another food that I’m sure you can figure out. It’s only the glue of this lunch.”

  
“Eggs?”

  
“Eggs, and more specifically egg yolks. I hear egg whites have estrogen in them but I never bothered to verify it. Sounds like a weird yin-yang thing, doesn’t it?”  
“A bit. Both halves of a food being high in different hormones. Why aren’t eggs estrogen-high like seeds? They both make babies.”

  
“Fucked if I know.” Magnus reaches for the cabinet before seeing the pink tie on his figure and pulling back. “Hand me a plate, will you?.” Magnus flips the omelette in the pan a few times as Angus pulls up Merle’s step stool, grabbing two plates. With practiced finesse Magnus flips the omelette onto the toast and then the toast onto the plate, celebrating with a “Ta da! High-T omelette sandwich. Do you still get your lunches cut up in lil’ triangles?” He grins and reaches over, ruffling the boy’s hair condescendingly.

  
“No! I can eat it in once piece like a big boy!” Angus takes the sandwich, watching intently as Magnus makes a second one for himself.

  
“Alright, big boy, chefs cook, customers clean. I know you know where everything goes so no excuses.” Magnus ruffles his hair again, watching as the boy runs around cleaning up before returning to his lunch.

  
“You think you’ll remember everything?” Magnus asks.

  
“Not everything. It’s a lot to process in one day, especially if it’s supposed to affect the rest of my life, but there’s a few big points I’ll be sure to remember!”

  
“Good. And if you ever need help, just come back and I’ll give you a rundown. And lunch, if I’m hungry enough and Taako hasn’t trashed the kitchen."

  
“Thank you, sir!” Angus beams, eating the rest of his lunch with a smile.  
Afterwards, Magnus gives Angus a few pointers on what to look for in the BoB mess hall at dinner before sending him on his way, promising to teach him again later.

  
“You sap.” Merle’s voice rings out from behind him.

  
“What?” Magnus turns around, eyebrows furrowed.

  
“Makin’ lunch for him like you’re his daddy....” Merle shrugs, a faint smile on his face under his massive beard. “It’s cute. I wish I did it for my own kids.”

  
“We’re the only other trans men on the moon. And I’m the only one who puts real effort into it."

  
“Fuck you too, Mango!” Merle furrows his brow, crossing his arms and leaning on the wall before softening. “He’s gonna make a great man with you teaching him. You would’ve made a great father if you had any kids that transitioned.” Merle comments, then leaves the suite for the mess hall, leaving Magnus alone to mull over the comment.

 

  
“Yeah... He’s gonna be great.”


End file.
